Disorganize mind…

I don’t have any motivation anymore to go on. I think it is too much for me. Maybe in high school the subjects are more but all of them combined are not as “hard work” as college’s work. I am so stress out that I think I forgot to be nice to people. I might smile, but when I response rudely it’s a way to let all of it out. I know that isn’t an acceptable excuse to give, but I am only human who can only tolerate so much (also, I know this is no excuse to be rude). I am honestly right now hoping for a miracle. I want to restart again. I am not in the position to choose my where I want to go. I only can hope I pass. I know I have to work my hardest to do it. My mind is disorganized. If I want to do one thing, my mind will think about something else and I will get really frustrated and end up doing nothing at all. I don’t know if I have ever been this mess up.

a piece of my mind

I’m not sure with who I am right now. I use to be the most punctual person ever. When I’m not on time I’ll be in a really bad mood. But now, I don’t care about being an hour late. Even for class sometime. I don’t do my assignments on time. I will wait until the last minute. I don’t care about my grades anymore. I don’t like this at all. Maybe it is the influence of other people or maybe it’s actually the nature of my race?… maybe it is both. Bottom line I don’t like it at all. I want to be punctual again. I want everything to be done on time. Oh, before I forget I lose stuff now. Which isn’t me at all. I never let stuff get lost. The worst part is I don’t care about it. What is happening right now? Is it the stress? Or I just at the part of my life where I don’t give a damm anymore because I know if its already done, nothing can be change anymore. I should be studying right now. Tomorrow I have another midterm paper. But its all objective so I’m not all that worry. I don’t know, I think I should do well in my midterm so that I don’t have to work that hard for my final examination, but then again midterm only covers on how much of percentage to pass the course. Anyways, the paper tomorrow is not even my course subjects. Its only one of the three requires subjects for citizens of my country. Oh well, my friends who have taken the subjects said its pretty okay. Not too hard but not too easy either.

?

What?!

             I didn’t even say a single word about the incident. Yeah I went to cry. But that’s it. I only told one person and she’s not even related. Even the other sister found out herself. All this while I have never cry out to them. I have always kept it to myself because I want to be mature about all this. I might be childish in certain stuff, but not when it comes to this. Sometimes I even beg them not to take my side. Excuse that she’s using it? She was sleeping at that time and you know if you ask the answer is NO. That’s not even an excuse. I can help you pay for the repairmen but somehow I think if its all better you will still don’t want it because you said yourself you want a COOL one. Then what’s the point. A friend who went through similar incident said that the older one always has their reasons, well then I also have mine. Are we even now?!

Dear big SIS, call me whatever you want but please dont hate me.

Dear big sister,

            First I’m going to apologize if I sounded harsh. I sounded selfish? I know that.

I said NO because I have reasons and not just because I’m selfish. But before I state my reasons, I want to clear something up. I didn’t say NO totally. I don’t mind you using it here. Use it whenever you want so long as I don’t need it. Its mine and I have my rights. Yeah, I’m very grateful for everything you’ve help me.  I’m so grateful sometime because when you help me I know that you love me and don’t hate me. For some reason since I was a kid I always have this feeling where you hate me and you look down on me and you think that I’m ugly. And sometime I still feel it. But I really hope that thoughts are wrong, at least I hope one of it is wrong. My reasons? Well, I trust you a whole lot with it but it’s your other half I don’t want touching my stuff. I think you know why. Secondly, I wonder why you don’t ask your other sister. Is it because you know the answer is NO and she wouldn’t care if you get all dramatic? I don’t know. Maybe. That’s the thing, maybe it’s the curse of being the youngest, people like to take advantage of you, they assume that you will always obey and if you don’t obey, just get mad at them and they will change their decision. Thirdly, I know I have use yours before…many times indeed and again I’m so very thankful for it. But during all those time you never said I can’t, and I never take it out of the house as I know that was off limit. All the things that are happening to yours aren’t totally my doing. It’s slow because of your stuff. All the other stuff is downloaded for us not just for me and you ask me to do so and you also said that you want a cool one. AGAIN, IM VERY SORRY. WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE FEELING TOWARDS ME, I STILL LOVE YOU MY SISTER. YOU CAN CALL ME A BITCH BUT PLEASE DON’T HATE ME. IF YOU DON’T WANT TO ACCEPT MY APOLOGY THEN THAT’S YOU PREROGATIVE BECAUSE WHO AM I TO TELL YOU RIGHT? ALL I KNOW I HAVE APOLOGIZED AND THAT’S ALL I CAN DO. BYE.